Last night I finished reading Breaking Dawn, the fourth and final book in the Twilight Series. In case you’ve been hiding under a rock lately, these books are the biggest thing to hit bookstores since Harry Potter cast his spell on the world a few years back.
I have never really been one to go with the herd on phenomenons of pop culture like this. In fact I have never even cracked the cover of a Harry Potter book, or seen any of the movies for that matter. Same with LOTR. This has always been the case for me. In 1990 I was probably like the only 13 year old girl on the planet who didn’t go ballistic and want to marry every member of New Kids on the Block. In high school I never understood the appeal of 90210, nor could I tell you one character’s name from Melrose Place. Seinfeld? Smeinfeld. I do love Friends, but I didn’t start watching them until long after they were in reruns. And don’t even get me started on the Oprah worshippers.
So, you see, I was very hesitant to start reading these books. It seemed that nearly all my friends started becoming obsessed with them at once, and I would just roll my eyes and think to myself, “I don’t do Vampires.”
But then one day I was sitting in an airport and realized I needed some reading material for my trip. So I moseyed into the Borders bookstore and perused the best sellers list. Twilight was sitting on the shelf bekoning me with that shiny red apple like I was Snow White or something. And so it began. I took one peek inside the book, and I was hooked. Stephenie Meyer poured me up a big cup of red Koolaid and I sucked it down with gusto.
J and I went to see the movie this past weekend. Of course it wasn’t nearly as good as the book, but I did enjoy getting out of my house and actually seeing a movie in a theater, popcorn and everything. After the movie, J and I were joking about how cheesy all the makeup looked on the vampires. He said it reminded him of some of the contestants from Project Runway, which really made me stop and think. Have yall ever noticed how creepy and ghoulish some of those peeps are?
No?
Well, allow me to show you.
Here is the Cullen family from the Twilight movie. From left to right is Emmett, Rosalie, Esme, Edward, Carlisle, Alice and Jasper.
Now, don’t yall think that Nina Garcia and Michael Kors would make a great Esme and Carlisle Cullen? Check out the resemblence:
And then consider this. Kenley from last season would make an awesome Rosalie. She was a super beyotch who has the attitude and the looks to pull it off. Put a bad blond weave in her hair and she’s done.
Emmett would be a little harder to portray, but I think that Chris March would fit the bill. We all know he snores like a bear, anyway.
Now here comes the creepy part. Check out the resemblence between these two characters.
Austin Scarlett is the spitting image of Jasper. Or at least the love child of Jasper and Edward Scissorhands.
And who better to play the elfish pixie-haired Alice than Season 4 winner Christian?
IT’S LIKE THEY ARE TWINS!
And really, I think that Austin Scarlett and Christian would probably have better chemistry in real life than these two did on the big screen:
FAIL.
But lest we forget the evil vampires? The scary trio of bloodsuckers who wanted Bella for a snack could easily be portrayed by Jerell as the vagabond vampire Laurent.
And scary Santino would make a great James, don’t you think?
Then of course there is the flame haired Laura Bennett, who is creepy enough to pull off the Victoria character with ease.
In future movies they will have to cast other evil vampires, so why not consider these contestants for a casting call? I think if you slapped a little white powder and some black cloaks on these three, you’ve got the Volturi brought to unlife.
And wouldn’t this crew make a great crowd of witness for the final scene in Breaking Dawn? I think so.
Then there are the halfway human characters to portray. Since Joe from last season was the only normal person to ever grace the runway, I’d use him as Bella’s dad, Charlie Swan.
And then there’s Jacob Black. Big, infantile, humorous Jake. Immediately, you think of the first season winner Jay McCarroll. He’s big, he’s hairy, he’s sweaty in the butt crack. He’s got werewolf material written all over him.
But I can’t forget the main attractions. The stars of the show. The reason millions of girls across the land are swooning over bloodsucking Vampires. Edward Cullen. Oh yeah, and Bella.
If I was going on looks and awkwardness alone, the initial thought is to choose Jillian to play Bella.
But since we have two important main characters on Project Runway who are left out, why not go ahead and cast them as the headliners?
Romeo and Juliet.
Bella and Edward.
Heidi and Tim.
:sigh: The forbidden love is so romantic.
Vampires are supposed to be extraordinarily beautiful right? Well it’s obvious Heidi has that part nailed. And Tim Gunn has to be the most rigid man on tv, albeit the kindest and most caring. He just looks like he’s made of marble, though, doesn’t he?
So, the next time you see Hooty Kloom kissing someone on both cheeks as she gives them their “Auf Weidersehen”, be sure to watch closely and make sure she’s not biting them on their necks as well.
Just something to think about, yall.
Angela says
Best blog post ever.
Kim & Ryan says
This post is hysterical. I’m totally not “eeen” the Twilight craze, but I do love myself a little Project Runway. And, sigh…. Heidi and Tim, forbidden romance…
Well played.
Laura says
Maybe that’s how models like Heidi stay so skinny- strict blood diet.
Tonya says
Everyone has been telling me to read these and I just haven’t had the time. But after reading your blog I though, All right already! I’ll read them! I doubt I will be the worshiper I was with Harry Potter – but we’ll see.
Leslie says
You’re a riot!!
G+D says
OMG Beth! This post CRACKED ME UP!! I almost spewed my leftovers over my montior, LOL forever!!