Just call me Oiuser Boudreaux.

Well… I saw New Moon last night.

Garrett is away on an overnighter with Nana and Papa, so I took full advantage and went to see not one but TWO movies at the theater! Just because I can! I caught the matinee of New Moon alone, then J met me at the theater at 7 and we saw The Blind Side together. The Blind Side was outstanding! It’s heartwarming and funny and real. Loved it.

New Moon? Meh.

I can’t really explain it. There were just so many annoying little things about it that it’s hard to pinpoint exactly what makes me not like it.

I’ll try to break it down by what annoyed me the most:

First off…does Kristen Stewart have Parkinson’s? Seriously, with the teeth chattering and shivering for 2 hours? I just wanted to wrap her in an electric blanket and pour some chicken soup down her throat. The whole “I can’t live without you” thing just makes me roll my eyes and say Puh-lease. I know it’s a teenage girl thing, and hell yes I’ve been there before, but somebody needs to smack her around a little and tell her to go buy herself a bass boat and sing “I Will Survive” at the top of her lungs on karaoke night and move on with her life. That’s what I did. She is way too fra-jee-lay for me. Haven’t we all loved and lost at some point? Oh woe is me. Get over it. You’ll live.

Edward. I don’t get the obsession. My friend Natalie nailed it when she said he looked like a chemo patient. With pink eye. And I cannot stand how his face looks like he is smelling a rancid fart every time he gets near Bella. I’m not at all convinced that he even likes that chick, much less loves her so much that he can’t live without her. And the way he shows up in her bedroom unannounced all the time would make any normal person file for a restraining order. I felt that way in Twilight and this one too. I need some kind of chemistry between a couple to make me want to root for them and there is just zero between those two onscreen.

As for Jacob? Well, I’ve always been Team Jacob, but now I’m reconsidering that stance. I just couldn’t stop staring at those two gigantic way-too-white Chicklets that he calls front teeth. Those suckers blinded me through the whole movie. Between those and his Huck Finn cutoff jorts I was not attracted. And his voice grates on my nerves. Sorry Jake. I’ve read the books, so I know that you’re eventually going to go all Chester the Molester and wind up getting busted by Chris Hanson on Dateline for falling in love with Renesmee.

I’m kinda debating between Team Alice or Team Jane. I like both of their fiest and spunk.

Definitely not a Jasper fan. I mean really. Who else is picturing the church lady every time he comes on the screen? I just hear her voice saying “Could it be… SATAN?”

The rest of them just makes me want to punch myself in the face for sitting through it all. I felt the same way while reading the books. I just felt gross after reading them.

I’m way too old and cynical for this.