Me vs. Martha, an inner dialogue

Have I shared with you all that I have ten girls coming in from across the country to stay at my house for a weekend in September? I mentioned it briefly in this post, but now that it’s closer I am beginning to freak out a little. On one hand, I am SO EXCITED, ecstatic really, at the thought of seeing some of them again. And some of them for the third time! I’m also flattered that all these women are making the long (and expensive!) trip to Birmingham to hang out with me. When I stop to think about it I get a full body shiver because a few of them I have never met before, even though we’ve been friends online for years and years. And they are coming HERE! To my house! And I am going to be their hostess for the weekend! Holy smokes! EEEEEE!!!

I really want to impress them, you know? Like I want them to walk out my front door when the party is over with Kelly saying, “Now I’ve had the time of my life.” and Kent saying, “No I never felt like this before.” and Allison saying “Yes I swear it’s the truth.” And Dusty saying “And I owe it all to you!” And then they all jump off my front porch and run and into my arms and I will lift them above my head into the air. THAT’S the kind of impression I want to leave on these people.

But here’s the backstory on these girls. We all met on the home decorating board on the Nest, which means they have some high expectations about what my house should look like. Have you clicked on that “Rate My Space” button at the top of my blog? No? Well, don’t waste your time, because my house looks nothing like that anymore. Considering I have my house up for sale and a toddler running around, all of my beautiful (and breakable) stuff has been packed away and my house has been redecorated by Fisher Price. It’s like clicking on a match.com photo that was taken when a person was playing high school football and then meeting them in person and realizing they have been out of school and playing video games and eating cheetos in their mom’s basement for ten years. Totally deceptive.

Then my inner Martha Stewart starts to rear her ugly head, and I start to panic. All the things I need to do before they arrive start to whiz through my brain. I lie in bed at night and have a million different ideas about what I can do to make the weekend more enjoyable for everyone.

This was my brain at midnight last night:

Self: I need to buy full sized sheets for the sleeper sofa. And pillowcases.

Martha Stewart: Or maybe you should just buy all new pillows because they will be totally grossed out by using your grody old used pillows… And you really need a dust ruffle for the king bed in the guest room. You can see the bare box springs and that is such a no-no.

Self: NO! No, I don’t. I’m taking that bed down whenever the get together is over so I’m not going to spend money on a king size dust ruffle.

Martha: But it looks bad! You have a reputation to uphold, you know…. Have you SEEN Dusty’s guest room?!?

Self: Whatevs, Martha, these girls love me no matter what my house looks like.

Martha: Even if they have to take a shower without a shower curtain??

Self: OH, snap I forgot there are no shower curtains on the upstairs bathtubs.

Martha: :raises one eyebrow with a smirk:

Self: I’ll just go to the Dollar Store and buy some cheapo vinyl curtains and rings since I have no idea where the nice ones are now.

Martha: But your old shower curtains were so pretty and ruffley and beautiful. The girls sure would be impressed by those! And what about the fancy curtain hooks you used to own? Those are much better than plastic curtain rings.

Self: Shut your hole, woman. There is no way I’m going to go through all those boxes in the storage unit just to find some shower curtains. They will survive with vinyl shower curtains for two days.

Martha: What about the food? What are you going to serve them? You need good food, Beth. And plenty of cocktails. Some of these girls have never eaten a cheese straw! You should make cheese straws. And sausage balls, and cook them a good old homemade Southern breakfast when they wake up.

Self: We will order pizza! And drink beer from a bottle and chill out and have fun.

Martha: But don’t you want to serve them appetizers on pewter platters and drink from real glasses and then have coffee for them when they wake up? You don’t even own a coffee maker!

Self: Well there are three Starbucks within a 10 mile radius of my house. I bet we can rustle up some coffee for them pretty easily.

Martha: You’re going to make your guests DRIVE to get their morning coffee? Are you serious?

Self: Ok, ok… I can borrow the one from the office and steal some K-cups. I bet they will love the hazelnut flavor.

Martha: SHEEEEWWWHEE, what is that stench on your newly redecorated back patio?

Self: Oh, that’s the dogs. They haven’t had a bath in …. um… I can’t really remember.

Martha: You know these ladies are all animal lovers. They are going to think you are a horrible person for not giving your dogs a bath in, um, who knows how long.

Self: I’ll make an appointment to get them groomed. Woodrow does need help with his buffalo butt.

Martha: And have you seen the pee stains on the rug in your screened in porch? Hideous, much?

Self: Yes, I’m aware. I will hose it all down and hopefully the stains will blend in together enough so it’s not as noticeable.

Martha: Speaking of bathroom related things, what about the magazine rack in your bathroom? You still have it in there! You know Merry will be grossed out by that.

Self: LOL Yeah, that is true! I’ll take out all the magazines and put out air freshener and fru-fru soaps. And SNACKS!

Martha: Snacks? In the bathroom? Um. Ew.

Self: Yeah, I guess not. I could take the magazine rack to the basement. Or maybe I’ll put out a sign that says “Warning: Poo particle filled magazine rack ahead. Enter at your own risk.”

Martha: There’s plenty of other things to do that you’re not even thinking about, you know… there’s the overgrown flowerbeds that need weeding, and your hair needs to be cut and highlighted. You’re going to be on the boat with all these girls in a bathing suit. You should have gone on a diet months ago. Get a pedicure at least. And then there is the lakehouse and the dead battery on the boat. What if the boat doesn’t crank? What if there is a dead mouse in the toilet at the cabin when you get there? WHAT IF, WHAT IF, WHAT IFFFFFFFFF! SO MANY THINGS COULD GO WRONG!!! YOU’RE NOT PREPARED AT ALL!!!

Self: SHUT IT MARTHA!!!!! IT WILL BE FINE!!!

Martha:

So yeah… it was something like that. I might have overexaggerated a little, but not much.

But I’ve learned from past experiences that the best thing I can do in a time like this is the KISS method. Keep it simple, stupid.

Don’t try to overdo it, or I will be so exhausted when they arrive that I will be zero fun, and that defeats the purpose of the whole weekend. So, I’m slaying this big Martha dragon right now. Shutting her down and locking her in the basement along with my shower curtains, never to be seen again.

I cannot WAIT for September, yall! No matter what Martha says, I know it will all be just fine.

And I promise you won’t have to take a shower without a curtain. Or eat snacks from my magazine rack in the bathroom.